In the state of texas there were these terrible oil fires and no one could put them out. So one of the senators suggested this fire fighter in Mexico named Paco. He said Paco was known to put out any fire there was. So they called him up and he Paco said he'd be up in about a week or so.
A week and a half later a bunch of people and the senator were standing outside looking at the fires when they looked out into the desert they saw this big cloud of smoke. When it got closer they noticed it was Paco driving a pick-up truck with about 20 mexicans sittin in the back all yellin and screamin. They kept gettin closer until they finally drove straight into the fires and the fires went out. The senator went to Paco and said,
"Thanks for all your help. Here's 10,000 dollars reward. So
what are you gonna do with all the money?"
Paco replied,"The first thing I'm gonna do man, is get them damn brakes fixed on my truck."
A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness and
only a year to live.
So he decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his
situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.
"What you should do is go out and buy a late '70 or early '80 model
Dodge Pickup," said the Pastor. "Then go get married to the ugliest
Woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the
panhandle of Oklahoma.
The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?"
"No" said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like
forever."
A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the
semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. "hmmmm," he wonders, "how am I gonna get more dough?" Then he gets an idea. He calls his father.
"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"
"Why that's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course." So his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. So the boy calls his father again.
"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks. "Awesome, dad, he's
talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - now they have a program here that will teach Fido to READ!"
"READ!" says his father, "That's amazing! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." So his father sends the
money. At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning when I got
out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner and reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked
'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead that lives down on Oak Street?' "
His father says "I hope you SHOT that lyin' sack of trash!"
USE AS DIRECTED...
Some years ago the Bureau of Biological Survey ran the Bird Banding
Lab, a version of which is still active today. Bands back then, similar to those currently in use, were printed with a number plus an abbreviated address indicating that the band was to be returned to the Washington Biological Survey (Wash.Biol.Surv.).
Upon finding one of the bands, an Arkansas farmer returned the band to the bureau with the following letter:
"Dear Sirs: I shot one of your crows the other day. My wife followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you that bird tasted just horrible."
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