Beyond Viagra

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer, the manufacturer, is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society.....

DIRECTRA

a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA

Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA

Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little accidents."

COMPLIMENTRA

In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA

Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA

Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA

This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA

This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car ride.

FLYAGRA

This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

PRYAGRA

About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent over-dose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."

LIAGRA

This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

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Top Ten Advertising Slogans Currently Being Considered by Viagra:

10. "Viagra. The quicker dicker upper"

9. "Here's the beef!"

8. "Get a piece of the rock"

7. "You've come a long way, baby"

6. "Viagra, it plumps when you take 'em"

5. "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman

4. "Tastes great, more filling"

3. "Viagra, built ram tough"

2. "Just do her" and the number one advertising slogan being considered by Viagra:

1."This is your penis. This is your penis on Viagra. ...Any questions?"

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Saint Viagra

Few know that the new potency pill in the U.S., Viagra, was actually named after a saint. Following is the order of service for the traditional liturgy in honor of St. Viagra.

Propers for the Feast of St. Viagra ("The Upright")

Entrance

Hymn Rise Up, O Men of God

Introit Ant.

Look on my affliction and deliver me * Let thy hand be ready to help me.

Ps.

At midnight I rise to praise thee * I rise before dawn and cry for help. (Ps. 119:62,147,153,173)

Collect

Almighty God, who dost make the crooked ways straight, and supporteth the upright in their afflictions; graciously hear the prayers of thy servant Viagra, who fainted at the sight of the sword but was raised up straight to endure the pain of martyrdom, and grant us the strength to be upright in the face of suffering and harder than stone when confronted with the wiles of the Devil--we ask this through Jesus Christ our Lord, who liveth and reigneth with Thee and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and forever. AMEN

Gradual

My beloved speaks and says to me * Arise, my love, my fair one, and come. (Song of Songs 2:10)

Alleluia

Alleluia. V. He has risen as he said. Alleluia. (Mt. 28:6)

Offertory

Rejoice in the Lord, O you righteous * Praise befits the upright. (Ps. 33:1)

Offertory Hymn

Hail the Day that Sees Him Rise

Communion

Light dawns for the righteous * And joy for the upright. (Ps. 97:11)

Song after communion (all rise):

Stand up for Jesus Recessional Hymn Rock of Ages

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Frog I

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said: 'If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.'

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week."

The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.

The frog cried out, 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want!'

Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.

Finally the frog asked, 'What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything that you want. Why won't you kiss me?'

The man said, 'Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.'

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Frog II

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond.

The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."

That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, "I don't think so."

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Male/Female Chemistry

Element: WOMAN

Symbol: Wo

Atomic Weight: 120 +/- 20

Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze anytime. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical Properties: Very active. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amount of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed beside a better specimen. Ages rapidly.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for disintegration of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Element: MAN

Symbol: XY

Atomic Weight: 180 +/- 100

Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature but easily gets bent out of shape. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young, fresh samples.

Chemical Properties: Attempt to bond with Wo any chance it can get. Also, tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (element: Kid) for prolonged period of time. Pretty basic. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None really, except methane production. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

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Comprehending Engineers

Comprehending Engineers-Take One

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Comprehending Engineers-Take Two

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is".

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly:

One chalk mark $ 1

Knowing where to put it $ 49,999

Total $ 50,000

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

Comprehending Engineers-Take Three

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

Comprehending Engineers-Take Four

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Comprehending Engineers-Take Five

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous systems has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Comprehending Engineers-Take Six

An engineering student was walking across campus when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle. "Where did you get such a great bike?" asked the first.

The second engineer replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said: 'Take what you want.'"

The second engineer nodded approvingly "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

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Cold Shoulder

Man: "Haven't we met before?"

Woman: "I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?

Woman: "That's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"

Woman: "This one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"

Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"

Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"

Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."

Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"

Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "What sign were you born under?"

Woman: "No Parking."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"

Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"

Woman: "Unfertilized !"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"

Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."

Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."

Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."

Woman: "I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "I can tell that you want me."

Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:

Woman: "If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"

Woman: " I don't date outside my species.."

Man: "Your body is like a temple."

Woman: "There are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."

Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."  

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.

Woman: "Would you stay there?"

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Bashing Back

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?

When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There's a clock on the oven!

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months

I don't like to interrupt her.

Bigamy is having one wife too many.

Some say monogamy is the same.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested.

Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?

Two mothers-in-law.

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?

Dad: That happens in every country, son.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're gonna to want to shoot it.

My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog to separate us.

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Bashing

FW: a few points for the women...

Why are married women heavier than single women?

Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?

Both of them.

Why don't women blink during foreplay?

They don't have time.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?

They won't stop to ask directions.

How does a man show that he is planning for the future?

He buys two cases of beer.

Why are blonde jokes so short?

So men can remember them.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

We don't know; it has never happened.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?

They all already have boyfriends.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

A widow.

When do you care for a man's company?

When he owns it.

What are a woman's four favorite animals?

A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?

His hand caught fire.

How do you get a man to do sit-ups?

Put the remote control between his toes

What did God say after creating man?

I must be able to do better than that.

What did God say after creating Eve?

"Practice makes perfect."

How are men and parking spots alike?

Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?

They're married.

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"

God says: "So you would love her."

"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"

God says: "So she would love you."

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30 things

every woman SHOULD HAVE

and SHOULD KNOW by the time she's 30.

I think you wrote this test and live your life by it!!! You're the only single female I know that could answer yes to #3 & 8. JAR

Whoops--my drill has a cord. SFB

I love it - I flunk but at least I've got goals set! SGM

SHOULD HAVE:

1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you've come.
2. Enough money within your control to move out and rent a place on your own, even if you never want or need to.
3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.
4. A purse, a suitcase and an umbrella you're not ashamed to be seen carrying.
5. A youth you're content to move beyond.
6. A past juicy enough that you're looking forward to retelling it in your old age.
7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age and some money set aside to help fund it.
8. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill and a black lace bra.
9. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.
10. A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.
11. Eight matching plates, wineglasses with stems and a recipe for a meal that will make your guests feel honored.
12. A resume that is not even the slightest bit padded.
13. A feeling of control over your destiny.
14. A skin care regime, an exercise routine and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don't get better after 30.
15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship and all those other facets of life that do get better.

Should Know:

1. How to fall in love without losing yourself.
2. How you feel about having kids.
3. How to quit a job, break up with a man and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.
4. When to try harder and when to walk away.
5. How to kiss a man in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn't like to happen next.
6. How to have a good time at a party you'd never choose to attend.
7. How to ask for what you want in a way that makes it most likely you'll get it.
8. That you can't change the length of your calves, the width of your hips or the nature of your parents.
9. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it's over.
10. What you would and wouldn't do for love or more.
11. How to live alone, even if you don't like it.
12. Who you can trust, who you can't, and why you shouldn't take it personally.
13. Where to go-be it your best friend's kitchen table or a charming inn hidden in the woods-when your soul needs soothing.
14. What you can and can't accomplish in a day, a month, a year.
15. Why they say life begins at 30.

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Guy Speak--The Dictionary

What a guy really means when he says... "I'm going fishing."

Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"It's a guy thing."

Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"

Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."

Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."

Really means..."I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately."

Really means..."The batteries in the remote are dead."

"We're going to be late."

Really means..."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."

Really means..."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."

Really means..."Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."

Really means..."I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me."

Really means..."You want me to stay awake."

"That's women's work."

Really means..."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"You know how bad my memory is."

Really means..."I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."

Really means..."I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house."

Really means..."I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."

Really means..."I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."

"I can't find it."

Really means..."It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"

Really means..."What did you catch me doing?"

"I heard you."

Really means..."I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You look terrific."

Really means..."Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I missed you."

Really means..."I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."

Really means..."I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."

Really means..."I make the messes, you clean them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious."

Really means..."You're cutting into the time I spend with my truck."

"I don't need to read the instructions."

Really means..."I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

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Men and Women in Conversation

Women's English ....

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
5. We need = I want
6. It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
7. Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
8. We need to talk = I need to complain
9. Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.
10. I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
11. You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
12. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
13. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
14. This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
15. I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper....
16. Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
17. I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
18. Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
19. How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
20. I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
21. Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
22. You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
23. Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead).
24. Was that the baby?= Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
25. I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
26. The answer to "What's wrong?": a. The same old thing = Nothing b. Nothing = Everything c. Everything = My PMS is acting up d. Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole

Men's English ...

1. "I'm hungry." = I'm hungry.
2. "I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy.
3. "I'm tired." = I'm tired.
4. "Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
5. "Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
6. "Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
7. "May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
8. "Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
9. "You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.
10. "What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this.
11. "What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
12. "What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
13. "I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
14. "I love you." = Let's have sex now.
15. "I love you, too." = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
16. "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.
17. "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
18. "Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
19. "Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
20. (while shopping) "I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

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If Men Were to Rewrite "The Rules"

1. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

2. If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

3. If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

4. It is in neither your best interest, nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

5. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?

6. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

7. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.

8. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.

9. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

10. Women who wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

11. When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.

12. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

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The Yuppie on the Island

A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost.

The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 5-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do, so for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and longed for his old life and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.

One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him.

In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" "I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said. "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many are there? You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you." "It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing did." He was confused. "Then how did you get the rowboat?"

"Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made the rowboat out of materials that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"B-B-But that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the other side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?"

Sheepishly, he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.

"Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said. After a few minutes of rowing she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked to the shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like a drink?" "No, no thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened onto its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next?"

When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines strategically positioned - and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..." She stared into his eyes.

He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You mean--?" he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?"

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Signs of a 90's Geek

1. wears a LEATHER pocket protector
2. buys his sneakers from Eddie Bauer
3. only uses fashion tape on his eyeglasses
4. wears ankle-high retro pants, not highwaters
5. tames that cowlick with gel, not water
6. carries two or more electronic devices, at least one of which glows
7. is fluent in in at least 3 computer languages, one natural language, can't control body language or read his own writing
8. his computer cost more than his car
9. still has a picture of Albert Einstein on the wall
10. has had more computers than girlfriends

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Saying goodbye the 90's way

What could be more painless?

Following is an email rejection letter:  Men can use it the next time they need to put their main squeeze on notice. The text of the letter follows:

Dear (her name),

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention to become the future Mrs. (your last name). As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available.

So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reasons you were disqualified from the competition:

(men will check those that apply)

_____Your failure to reach for your purse in even a feigned attempt to pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic economics.

______Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by the truckload" indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for the position.

______You failed the 20 question rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

______The only question you did ask was how much money I make.

______You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside after I opened the passenger side door for you.

______My breasts are bigger than yours.

______Your height is out of proportion with your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

______The way you enthusiastically jumped on stage at the alternative bar and danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you are far too impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of commitment to heterosexuality.

______Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your ex-boyfriend to shack up with you again after he "beats that domestic abuse rap" shows compassion but makes it difficult to take you seriously.

______I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,

(Your name)

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101 reasons why it's great to be a girl

1. free drinks
2. free dinners
3. free lunches
4. free movies (you get the point)
5. you can hug your friend without wondering if she thinks you're gay
6. you can cry without pretending there's something in your contact
7. you know the truth about whether size matters
8. speeding ticket? What's that?
9. you can hug your friend without wondering if YOU'RE gay
10. you actually get extra points for sitting on your butt watching sports
11. you don't have to try to laugh louder, deeper and harder than your buddies
12. if you never have a son, it's okay
13. if you do have a son, and he's a lousy athlete, it's still okay
14. if YOU'RE a lousy athlete, you don't have to question your worth as a human being
15. a new lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life
16. in high school, you never had to walk down the hall with your binder strategically positioned
17. if you have sex with someone and don't call them the next day, it doesn't mean you're the devil
18. you don't have to count how many people you've slept with
19. condoms make no significant difference in your enjoyment of sex
20. if you have to be home in time for 90210, you can say so, out loud
21. if you're not making enough money, you can blame the glass ceiling
22. you can sleep your way to the top
23. you can sue for sexual harrassment
24. you can sue the President for sexual harassment
25. if you're not very attractive, you can fool 'em with makeup
26. if you use self-tanner, it doesn't necessarily mean you're a big loser
27. same with tanning beds
28. nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep
29. you could possibly live your whole life without ever taking a group shower
30. no fashion faux pas you make could rival the Speedo
31. if you're pregnant, YOU get to decide what to do about it
32. Brad Pitt
33. you don't have to fart to amuse yourself
34. if you cheat on your spouse, people assume it's because you're being emotionally neglected
35. YOU never have to wonder if your orgasm was real
36. you'll never have to decide where to hide your nose-hair clipper
37. when you take off your shoes, nobody passes out
38. if the person you're dating is much better at something than you are, you don't have to break up with them
39. if you think the person your dating really likes you, you don't have to break up with them
40. excitement is only as far away as the nearest drug/beauty-supply store
41. if you don't shave, no one will know
42. you can congratulate your teammate without ever touching her ass
43. if you have a zit, you can conceal it
44. you don't have to reach down every so often to make sure your privates are still there.
45. if you want to have sex, you always can
46. if you're dumb, some people will find it cute
47. you don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in
48. if you love someone, it's easy for you to tell them
49. you can dress yourself
50. your hair is yours to keep
51. if you ARE bald, people will think you did it on purpose, and you're really chic
52. once a month, you have an excuse to be a total bitch
53. you don't need a special occasion to hug your dad
54. you never have to wonder if you'll offend somone by opening the door for them
55. when necessary, you can live without sex
56. you can always get a ride hitch-hiking
57. you don't have to pretend to like cigars
58. you don't have to pretend you liked cigars before they were cool
59. you'll never have to blow 2 months salary on anything
60. you can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked
61. if you marry someone 20 years younger, you're aware that you look like an idiot
62. you don't think that wearing a warm coat in the dead of winter makes you look like a wuss
63. you'll never lose your voice from screaming at the TV
64. if you wear cologne, you don't have to pretend it's aftershave
65. You'll probably never see someone you know while peeing in an alley
66. you never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist
67. you don't have a scar right under your chin
68. you and your friends don't have to get totally wasted in order to share your feelings
69. if you talk to your mom every day, it's normal
70. if you pick up the check once in a while, that's plenty
71. sitting and watching people is all the entertainment you need
72. you can quickly end any fight simply by crying
73. you can decide not to work once you've had kids
74. your friend won't think you're weird when you ask if there's spinach in your teeth
75. when you get a million catalogues in the mail, it's a good thing
76. sometimes, chocolate truly can solve all your problems
77. if you're under 6', you don't have to lie about it
78. you have never had a goatee
79. gay waiters don't make you uncomfortable
80. you'll never regret piercing your ears
81. you can fully assess someone just by looking at their shoes
82. you'll never discover you've been fooled by a Wonderbra
83. when you wear sweatpants, it isn't obscene
84. you know better than to ever use Grecian Formula
85. it doesn't take you an hour to go to the bathroom
86. you don't have hair on your back
87. your GP never has to put on a rubber glove
88. when you get dumped, you can admit you're depressed
89. if anything on your body isn't as big as it should be, you can get implants
90. you can tell which glass was yours by the lipstick mark
91. If you have big ears, no one has to know
92. if someone takes your seat in a bar, you don't have to hit them
93. it's okay if you can't drive stick
94. Ally McBeal
95. when you fall in love, you don't need a Jerry McGuire Moment to help you realize it
96. you get to hate Kathie Lee in the way only another woman truly can
97. you can borrow your spouse's clothes and it doesn't mean you belong on Springer
98. you've known the joy of making a collage for your BFF
99. you can be attracted to someone just because they're really funny
100. you bond easily
101. when you become President, you'll be the first woman ever

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100 reasons it's great to be a guy

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds, flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Nite Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends care if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stop at every shot of someone crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why 'Stripes' is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26. You don't cook and don't care about it.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite.
37. If you're 34 and single, nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a non-trivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything, and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking. "He must be mad at me".
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too scary.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work....more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79. ESPN's sports center.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whup ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "To heck with it!"
88. If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So ...notice anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. There is always a game on somewhere

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What Gender is your Computer?

Top 5 Reasons Computers Might Be Female

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future references.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
4. The message "bad command or filename" is about as informative as "if you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending your paycheck on accessories for it.

Top 5 Reasons Computers Might Be Male:

1. They're heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.
2. They periodically cut you off right when you think you've established a connection.
3. They'll usually do what you ask them to do, but won't do more than they have to and they won't think of it on their own.
4. They're typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded in for a new model. Some users, however, feel they've already invested so much in the damn machine that they're compelled to remain with an underpowered system.
5. They get hot when you turn them on, and that's the only time you really have their attention.

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How Men & Women Really Think

A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see ...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . .. lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their ....

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have . . Oh God, I feel so ..... " (She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time," Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) 'Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?'

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A Girls's Guide to Geek Guys

So, your crush on the bass player from Vibrating Sandbox has finally died a whimpering death and you're wondering where to go from here. All the sinister dudes are either dating a series of interchangeable high-school riot girls in baby doll dresses and an overdose of manic panic, or permanently shacked up with some bitter old lady who pays all the bills. Which will it be, a wifely prison or a humiliating one night stand? Into this void of potential mates comes a man you may not have considered before, a man of substance, quietude and stability, a cerebral creature with a culture all his own. In short, a geek.

Why Geek Dudes Rule

• They are generally available.
• Other women will tend not to steal them.
• They can fix things.
• Your parents will love them.
• They're smart.

Where The Geek Dude Lurks

Of course the best way to meet a geek dude is through the Internet. All geeks harbor a secret fantasy about meeting some girl in cyberspace, carrying on an e-mail romance in which he has the chance to combine an activity he is comfortable with, computing, with one he is very uncomfortable with, socializing. To many geek dudes, cyberdating is just an advanced form of some kind of video game, but they are frustrated by a lack of players. Their lack is your strength.

Imprinting

The Trek factor

The sexual politics of Star Trek are pretty blunt: the men run the technology and the ship, and the women are caretakers (a doctor and a counselor). Note the sexual tensions on the bridge of the Enterprise: the women, in skin tight uniforms, and with luxuriant, flowing hair. The men, often balding, and sporting some sort of permanently attached computer auxiliary. This world metaphorizes the fantasies of the geek dude, who sees himself in the geeky-but-heroic male officers and who secretly desires a sexy, smart, Deanna or Bev to come along and deferentially accept him for who he is. If you are willing to accept that this is his starting point for reality, you are ready for a geek relationship.

Once You've Nabbed Him

Geeks are sensitive and caring lovers and husbands. If you can hang with the techno-lifestyle, they make the best mates. They are the most attractive people, not flashy or hunky, but the kind who get cuter and more alluring over time (I told you she was a newlywed). Definitely give geeks a chance.

Geek Cuisine

Geek Lifestyle

To relax, geeks love to play the latest computer games. Let him play Myst or Chuck Yeager's Air Combat for hours if he wants to. Act concerned if he's stuck or has just been ambushed by three MiGs. My geek loves to try to help people on the Internet who say that they are stuck in Myst. He comes up with clever riddles instead of directing them point blank. Geeks also like to go to sci-fi and Japanese animated movies, again, a basically harmless vent for your man.

Geek Buddies

Post-It Note

• Howard had already thought about who she was most like.
• He could summon up characters from seasons past with ease.
• Victoria actually knew who he meant.

One Last Thing

Geek dudes thrive on mystery and love challenges and intellectual puzzles. Don't you consider yourself one? Wouldn't you like a little intellectual stimulation of your own? We thought so.

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Engineer Jokes

What is the definition of an engineer?

Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

When does a person decide to become an engineer?

When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

What do engineers use for birth control?

Their personalities.

How can you tell an extroverted engineer?

He looks at your shoes when he's talking to you, rather than his own.

Why did the engineers cross the road?

Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

How do you drive an engineer completely insane?

Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.

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Rita Rudner's 50 facts about men.

1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.
4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald."
5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
7. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.
8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
12. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
14. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
16. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.
17. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
18. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
20. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.
21. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
22. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
25. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
27. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
29. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
30. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
31. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
33. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
34. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
35. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
36. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
37. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.
38. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
39. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch:"Thanks." On the other side:"Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."
40. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
41. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
42. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
43. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.
44. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheros. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
45. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
47. Men forget everything; women remember everything.
48. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
49. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
50. All men would still really like to own a train set.

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Men & Women are not alike!

Relationships:

When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots." Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:30 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life and I'll never forgive you and I hate you and you're a total whore. But I want you to know there's always a chance for us." This is known as the 'I Hate You/I Love You - Drunken Phone Call'. 99% of all men have placed at least one such call. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.

Sex:

Women prefer 30 - 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 - 45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

Maturity:

Women mature much faster then men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work.

Hats:

Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.

Handwriting:

To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

Bathrooms:

A man has at most 6 items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Magazines:

Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.

Groceries:

A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits until the only items left in his fridge are half a lemon and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

Cats:

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Jewelry:

Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

The Telephone:

Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Low Blows:

Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on television. One of the fighters is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh, gee. That must hurt." The man doubles over and actually feels pain.

Admitting Mistakes:

Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.

Richard Gere (see also -- Patrick Swayze):

Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

Dressing up:

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail. A man will dress up for the following: weddings, funerals.

Nudity in Movies:

Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a 'man'. The only actor who has appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

David Letterman:

Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

Locker Rooms:

In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.Women talk about one thing in the locker room -- sex. And not inabstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and THEY NEVER LIE!

Laundry:

Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside-out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth.

Toys:

Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots that serve cocktails on command, video games, anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six "D" batteries to operate.

Nicknames:

With the exception of female bodybuilders who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle. But if like, Dave, Rob, and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain, and Useless.

Mustaches:

Some men look good with mustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with mustaches.

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User Tips for HUSBAND 1.0

For one, system activity will be severely limited and you will be compelled to instigate rigorous daily routines in space management, garbage disposal and disc cleaning often with an accompanying increase in system administration. This program can also be a drain on many resources and demand constant attention. You will encounter an increased amount of interrupts and error messages, while the program often cancels processes without warning, very often crashing the system. In addition, Husband 1.0 often refuses to respond to your commands and frequently appears to be running processes which you have not authorized. If this happens a lot, do not respond to any interactive requests from the program and severely limit demand for extra bytes.

Every evening there will be a huge surge in demand for megabytes and if not satisfied, the process will become unresponsive and has been known on occasion to damage hardware.

Every so often you will be promised a new release of the program, but unfortunately, upon loading this new release, it is generally found to be almost identical to the old one, with very few feature changes and most of the same old annoying bugs which you were undoubtedly promised would not be there in the new release. Put up with it or discontinue use entirely. Husband 1.0 is a flawed program; many of the bugs are so deeply encoded that, even if they can be located, they are inpossible to eradicate and have to be tolerated.

Husband 1.0 will frequently make use of low level language and may not understand higher level commands so you must be prepared to use basic functions when required. Often a few robust algorithms in handshaking mode will produce a good response.

After a while, Husband 1.0 has a tendency to take up more space than originally allocated, often spreading in size and slowing down correspondingly. If this happens, be very careful as there is increased risk of complete system failure. Around this time, Husband 1.0 will also tend to lose bits from the top of the stack, although these will often multiply and be found lower down the stack.

Another problem with this program is that Husband 1.0 can also spawn unknown child processes, which can sometimes inadvertently appear, make huge demands on the program and force unwanted interaction with old versions of 1.nightstand.

Sometimes, Husband 1.0 will end a process prematurely, before you have the required result. This generally results in spawned processes scattered over your system which must be located and removed. More often than not, however, Husband 1.0 will appear to take an inordinately long time to complete a relatively simple process. While waiting for tedious processes to complete you may find it useful to distract yourself by perusing manuals for alternative programs, Stud 2.0 or Lover 6.9.

On completion of a process, Husband 1.0 will often inadvertently apply the sleep command, or suspend system activity with a Ctrl ZZ. There is nothing you can do in this case, but leave the program and try again later.

Ultimately, as the program becomes older, it will become more difficult to produce hardcopy, and you will find that most of your work ends up on floppies. In addition, you will be needing software support more often than you'd like. If and when this happens, try to find a copy of Toyboy 1.1. Make sure you have used Ctrl ZZ on Husband 1.0 before loading Toyboy 1.1 and, of course, check for viruses before using any new program. Toyboy 1.1 should come with new hardware which can be plugged into any of your ports.

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Girlfriend Version ?.?

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it.

I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay.

Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.

I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.

I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system.

I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.

The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else.

One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off.

I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.

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1. SIMPLE DUTIES-
   You go out to buy her flowers: +5
   But return with beer: -5

   You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0
   You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing: 0
   You check out a suspicious noise and it's something: +5
   You pummel it with a six iron: +10
   It's her cat: -10

   SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS-

   You stay by her side the entire party: 0

   You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a drinking buddy: -2

   Named Tiffany: -4

   Tiffany is a dancer: -6

   Tiffany has implants: -8

   SATURDAY AFTERNOONS-

   You visit her parents: +1

   You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3

   You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television: -3

   And the television is off: -6

   You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear: -6

   And you didn't even go to college: -10

   And it's not really your underwear: -15

   HER BIRTHDAY-

   You take her out to dinner: 0

   You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +1

   Okay, it is a sports bar: -2

   And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3

   It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10

   You give her a gift: 0

   You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance: -10

   You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance: +1

   You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate: +2

   You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months: +30

   You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day: -10

   With her credit card: -30

   And whatever you bought is two sizes too big: -40

   THOUGHTFULNESS-

   You forget to pick her up at the bus station: -25

   Which is in Newark, New Jersey: -35

   And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50

   A NIGHT OUT WITH YOUR PALS-

   You have a few beers: -9

   For every beer after three, -2 again

   And miss curfew by an hour: -12

   You get home at 3 a.m.: -20

   You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap cigars: -30

   And not wearing any pants: -40

   Is that a tattoo? -200

   A NIGHT OUT, JUST THE TWO OF YOU-

   You go see a comic: +2

   He's crude and sexist: -2

   You laugh: -5

   You laugh too much: -10

   She's not laughing: -15

   You laugh harder: -25

   DRIVING-

   You lose the directions on a trip: -4

   You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10

   You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15

   You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals: -25

   She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60

   COMMUNICATION-

   When she wants to talk, you listen, displaying a concerned expression: +20

   When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5

   You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the television: +10

   She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep: -10

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