Xerox officials held an emergency press conference Wedensday to
announce a total recall of all Reprotron 5000 Three-Dimensional Copy
Machines.
Xerox stock has plummeted to a new all-time low since the release of
the innovative device. Xerox hailed the Reprotron 5000 as a "new
revolution in copying" when it introduced the machine just two weeks ago,
and market insiders were certain that the copier would send Xerox stock
through the roof.
At a demonstration of the Reprotron in August, Xerox staffers made full
three-dimensional copies of an Oriental vase, a bowl of fruit, and a
perfect red rose.
Reporters were invited to sample apples and oranges
copied from the original fruit, though Xerox technicians did warn that
the copied fruit might taste slightly of toner. John Thompson (inventor
of the Reprotron) stepped forward to make a copy of a Manhattan phone
book, but accidentally copied his hand and forearm. He quickly disposed
of the highly detailed, frantically wiggling half-limb as it slid out of
the copier's delivery slot.
But Xerox wasn't ready for what happened next. "We assumed that people
would behave as responsible, thinking human beings with this copier, and
obviously we were wrong," Thompson states.
From all across the USA, reports have been filing in of the copier being used
in what Thompson calls "sick, greedy ways."
At a Copy Center in Austin, Texas, a couple was arrested for making 15
copies of their three-year-old son, Jeremy, and then refusing to pay for
the copies, claiming that some of the new children were "smudged." Local
authorities were uncertain as to which charges should be pressed.
In Union City, Arizona, Treasury Department officials are investigating
reports of a secretary who allegedly copied a single bar of gold bullion
150 times. A task force investigator stated, "Granted, it takes money to
make money, but we're almost certain that this action is in violation of
some laws."
Xerox officials are also under fire from consumers, due to rumors that
the three-dimensional copying technology is imperfect.
Harold Butz of Peoria, Pennsylvania, made a copy of a common cement brick
spray-painted
gold. Butz claims he was "shocked and dismayed" when he discovered that
the machine-made copy was 22-karat solid gold. "All I wanted was a really
good copy of a cement brick spray-painted gold'" Butz stated. "What the
hell am I going to do with this thing?"
Xerox plans to scrap all the machines they are able to recall, but
Thompson expressed concern over the so-called "black market Reprotrons."
"Apparently some sick and greedy people discovered that if they had
two machines, they could use one to make a working copy of the other,"
Thompson revealed. "To tell the truth, we only sold two machines in all
- to the Cappelli family, a New Jersey based Meat packing firm. These
copy pirates should be aware that as with anything that is copied from a
copy and so on, there are bound to be defects in the copies produced. We
have no idea what kind of stuff will pop out of the slot when a person
copies something on a fourth- or fifth-generation machine." Thompson
declined to comment on reports that hundreds of the pirated machines have
a human thumb attached to the coin slot which constantly wiggles - the
result of a person's thumb getting in the way during one of the original
copier-to-copier copies.
"Ultimately, we're not too worried," Thompson stated. "People owning
the copiers will eventually run out of the fluid that make the machine
work, and we've taken all the fluid off the market. A machine can only
last two weeks or so without a fluid refill, and there won't be any fluid
refills."
When asked why people with copiers couldn't simply make copies
of the fluid cannisters they already have, Xerox officials hastily ended
the press conference, stating that they "need to reconsider a few things."