Album

Sorry, no photos yet! But here will soon be a mix of photos from different
highlights of my life. In the meantime, here is some funny
music jokes that i´ve found on the net.

Music humor

B A S S O ON
What is another name for a bassoon?
A farting bedpost.

B A S S
Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist?
He turned a peg and wouldn't tell the bass player which one.

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one - but the guitarist has to show him first.
or Six.One to change it, five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging t
he light.


C E L L O
What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
The coffin has the corpse on the inside.

C L A R I N E T
Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
So they can park in the handicap zones.

What's the definition of a nerd?
Somone who owns their own alto clarinet.

What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces.

D R U M S
How can you tell when there is a drummer at your front door?
The knocking gets faster.

How do you know if there is a percussionist at the door?
The knocking gets slower.

Why do drummers have a half ounce more brains than horses?
They don't disgrace themselves at the parade.

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be
pushed in. Or,
One, but only after asking "Why?" ("Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?")
Or, Two, one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after they f
igure out that you have to turn the bulb).
Or, Twenty one to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.
None. They have a machine that does that now.

Hey, buddy, how late does the band play?
Oh, about half a beat behind the drummer.

There's a five pound note on the floor. Which of a thrash guitarist, a drummer
who keeps good time, and a drummer who keeps bad time picks it up?
The drummer who keeps bad time. The other drummer doesn't exist and the thrash
guitarist doesn't care about notes anyway

If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum

A man decides to take a short vacation from his job and travel somewhere
exotic. So, he books a trip to a small, essentially untouched Pacific
island where the native culture is still intact. He has great
expectations (no, not the novel by Dickens) for his trip, as he really
needs the time off. So, he sets sail on his chartered ship to the
island paradise. As the boat is approaching the island, he notices the
sound of drums. "How quaint", he thinks, "the natives are engaging in
an ancient ritual with drums."
He arrives at the island and gets something to eat. All this
time, the drums are going. Well, after a few hours, he begins to wonder
when the drums are going to stop. So, he asks a native why the drums
are going on so long. The native runs away screaming with a terrified
look on his face. Thinking he has probably disturbed the sanctity of
the native ritual by asking an intrusive question, the man decides to
just forget about the drums and enjoy his vacation. But, after another
two days of contin uous drums, it's really beginning to bother him. So,
he asks another native, "When are the drums going to stop?" The native
just looks at him. So, he asks "Why are the drums going on so long?"
This native, like the first one, runs away screaming. So, after another
two days, the man has had it with drums. At gunpoint, he demands that a
native make the drums stop. The native replies "I would rather die than
be the one who stops the drums." The man asks him why. He
answers..."Because when the drums are over, the saxophone solo starts!"

Guy walks into a shop. "You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30
amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried
Rose tremolo?" "You're a drummer, aren't you?" "Duh, yeah. How'd you
know?" "This is a travel agent."

Bob is throwing a party. Bob decides that to break the ice at his
party, he'll ask everyone what their IQ is, and then strike up an
appropriate conversation from there. The day of Bob's party rolls
around and when the first guest knocks on the door, Bob asks the person
what their IQ is. "200,000" replies the first guest. "Well, that's
great", says Bob, lets talk about ethereal astro physics. Bob and this
first guest talk about the aforementioned subject for a while. Later in
the party someone else is at the door. Hi my name is Bob; welcome to
my party, what's your IQ? The new guest responds with "250". Great
says Bob, lets talk about advanced math. Bob and his new guest talk
about calculus and statistics for a while. Much later in the party
after many more guests had been arrived and spoken to by Bob, yet
another guest arrives at the door. "Hi, my name's Bob; welcome to my
party, what's your IQ?" This time the guest replies after putting some
thought into it: 5. Well tha t's great, says Bob, what kind of
drumsticks do you use?


F L U T E
What's the definition of a minor second?
Two flutes playing a unison


G U I T A R
How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
Give him a sheet of music.

How do you make him stop playing?
Put notes on it!

What's the definition of a minor second?
Two lead guitarists playing in unison.

What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
Counterpoint.

How many g uitarists does it take to change a light-bulb?
Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say "Not bad, but I could've
done better".

What does a guitarist say when he gets to his gig?
Would you like fries with that?


H A R M O N I C A
Steve Wright: I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car
[6;1Hgoing
really fast, and stick it out the window.

How do you get 5 oboes in tune?
Shoot 4 of them

What are burning oboes used for?
To set bassoons on fire.

O R G A N
Wh y did J. S. Bach have 20 children?
His organ didn't have any stops.

An organist was out on the town and came across a new club. He entered, and the

manager greeted him and told him about the "progressive format." "You see, we
have several different rooms here. On the door of each you will see a number.
That number is the average IQ of the people inside." The organist thinks this
is a wonderful idea, and soon finds Room 150. Inside is a brass quintet
discussing brass quintet things,favorite composers, favorite instruments, and
the like. The organist had just finished a concert with a brass quintet and
was in no mood for more. He walked down the hall and found Room 100. Inside
was a symphony orchestra holding a convention on who the greatest conductor of
all time is. Since organists don't usually need conductors, he left. Next was
Room 60. Inside was Philip Glass and John Cage. The organist did not stay
very long at all (though Glass and Cage were inspired by the slamming door).
At the very end of the hall was a battered old door with beer bottles, needles,

and other detritus.But the organist was bored and decides that it's worth a
shot.Inside are two punk-looking guys sitting on two stools in an otherwise
empty room. One punk says to the other: "So, what kind of sticks do you use?"


P I A N O

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

What do you get if you run over an army officer with a steam roller?
A flat major.

What do you say to an army officer as you're about to run him (or her) over
with a steam roller?
Be flat, major.

What do you say after you run an army officer over with a steam roller?
See flat major.

What key is "Exploring The Cave With No Flashlight" written in?
C sharp or B flat..

What do you get when an arm officer puts his nose to the grindstone?
A sharp major.

What do you get if you enroll in a liberal arts program and the only subject
you do well in is music?
A natural major.
[19;1H

What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?
Root position cords.

P I C C O L O
How do you get 2 piccolos to play a perfect unison?
Shoot one.

S A X O P H O N E
What's the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?
It's all in the grip.

What's the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax?
You can tune the lawnmower.

What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower?
Vibrato.

How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?
One to handle the bulb, and 4 to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.


If you were out in the woods,who would you trust for directions, an in-tune
tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
The out-of-tune sax player! The other two indicate you've been hallucinating.

How do you make a chainsaw sound like a bari-sax?
Add vibrato.

What's the definition of a gentleman?
One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!

How many sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
Sixty. One to change the bulb and fifty-nine to talk about how much better
Michael Brecker would have done it.

Seems that the censors (they know who they are) banned the airing of an
instructional show on PBS that purported to introdce young people to the worlds
of Jazz and Classical music. Their reasoning? Too much Sax and Violins.

The Golden Club, Las Vegas The morning after a night on the town in Las
Vegas, Bob told his friend about the Golden Club that he had been drinking in.
Everything in the club was lined with gold. The glasses had a gold rim, the rail

on the bar was plated with gold, even the urinals were gold plated. Bob was read
y
to believe his buddy until he mentioned the gold plated urinals so he called
the Golden Club. "Is it true that the glasses in your club have a gold rim?"
Bob asked. "Yes, it's true" replied the voice on the other end. "And is the
rail on the bar plated with gold?" asked Bob. "Yes it is" was the reply from
the other end. "And, one more thing, is it true that the urinals are gold
plated?" inquired Bob. Bob could hear the person on the other end yell to the
band "Hey Joe, I think I found the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night"
.

What's the difference between a saxophone and a sorority girl?
You could eat a saxophone if you had to.

What's the difference between a saxophone and a husband?
A saxophone makes sound when you blow it.

T R O M B O N E
How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
Stick your hand in the bell and play lots of wrong notes.

What's the definition of a gentleman?
Somone who knows how to play the trombone and doesn't.

There is a frog driving east and a trombonist walking west. What can be surmised

from this? The frog's probably on its way to a gig.

T R U M P E T
How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
1 to do it and the others to stand around and say, "I could do that better.

What do lead trumpet players use for birth control?
Their personality.

How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
5, one to change it and 4 to tell him how much better they could do it.

T U B A
What's the range of a tuba?
20 yards if you've got a good arm.

What's a tuba for?
1 1/2 X 3 1/2

V I O L A
What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline.

What is the difference between grapes and a viola?
You take off your shoes to stamp on grapes.

How do you get a viola section to play spiccato?
Write a whole note with "solo" above it.

At a concert hall one night the stage manager comes across an oboe player and
a viola player having a fight. He breaks the fight up and asks what the fight
was about. The oboe player says,"He broke my reed! I was just about to play
my big solo when he broke my reed!" "Well?" says the stage manager to the viola
player. "What do you say to that?" In umbrage, the viola player replies, "He
undid two of my strings but he won't tell me which ones!"

V I O L I N
How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
The bow is moving.

How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
Sit in the back and don't play.
or
Play in the low register with a LOT of wrong notes.

What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
A viola burns longer.

How is lightning like a violist's fingers?
Neither one strikes in the same place twice.

How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
Put it in a viola case.

What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?
Terrorists have sympathizers.

What's the difference between a violist and a dressmaker?
A dressmaker tucks up frills.

Why is a violist like a terrorist?
They both screw up bowings.

This guy says to his wife "Oh, baby. I can play you just like a violin."
His wife says "But I'd rather have you play me like a harmonica!"

A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a
smoking crater where his house used to be. The chief of police goes over to
him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house,
killed your family, and burned it down." The violist replied, "You're kidding!
The conductor came to my house?"

The composition of a string quartet:
good violinist
bad violinist
really bad violinist who became a violist
cellist who hates all violinists.

Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan
while in the greenroom after a concert. "There's not much room on this
page," he said. "What shall I write?" Another violinist, standing by, offered
the following helpful hint: "Write your repertoire."

V O C A L S
What's the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?
Most musicians have never been inside a Porsche.

What's the difference between a dressmaker and an alto?
The dressmaker tucks up the frills.

If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end, it would be a
good idea.

How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door?
He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.

How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.
or
None. Get the drummer to do it.

What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones?
"I didn't wake up this morning..."

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.


Did you hear about the female opera singer who had quite a range at the lower
end of the scale. She was known as the deep C diva.

So this trumpet player dies. And when he reaches is everlasting reward, the
guy in the robe says, "You're going to spend eternity with this combo, okay?
There's a bass player named 'Mingus' and a pianist named 'Monk', and any day
now we expect this 'Blakey' guy to show up with his drums. "Wow!" the guy says,"

I never imagined heaven would be this good." So the guy in the robe says, "This
is hell, not heaven. There's a girl singer."

O R C H E S T R A S
What is the definition of a Soviet String Quartet?
The Soviet Symphony Orchestra after a tour of the USA!

How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Seven. (Indignant nose upturning) Of course, I wouldn't expect *you* to
understand.

You're walking down a road, all of a sudden it split into three branches.
In the left one, there's a good conductor, in the middle one there's a bad
conductor, and in the right one there is the tooth fairy. Each one beckons you
to follow him/her. Which one should you follow? The bad conductor because the
other two don't exist.

What's the difference between a bull and the orchestra?
The bull has the horns in front and the asshole in the back.

Semiconductors are part-time musicians.

Last summer, the local orchestra decided to play Beethoven's 9th symphony.
However, it being quite hot, the players were working up quite a sweat, until a
neighbor let them use the ventilators in her house. However, the wind from
these ventilators was causing the notes to blow all over the place, so they had
to tie them down to the note holders. The din from the ventilators was so bad
that the bassists decided it didn't matter if they downed a few drinks and got
royally drunk. Two of the bassists get so drunk, they passed out. One of the
violinists, in disgust, decided to go home but slipped and fell. Thus, it was
the bottom of the 9th, the bassists were loaded, the score was tied with two
men out and the fans were roaring wild when one of the players slid home.

It was Saturday night and the local orchestra is giving a concert, but it's
five minutes to curtain and the conductor still hasn't shown. When the assistant

manager tells the manager about this, the manager goes berserk. He asks all of
the employees if they can conduct, but none of them can. He then goes to the
lobby and asks the patrons but doesn't find anyone. He finally goes out on the
street and collars passerbys but still can't find anyone who can conduct.
In desperation, the assistant manager points to a cat, dog, and horse that are
standing in the street. The manager shrugs his shoulders and says "Why not,
what do we have to lose?" He goes to the cat and asks if it can conduct and it
mews out "I don't know but I'll try." The cat tries to stand on its hind legs
and wave its paws but it can't keep its balance and falls over immediately.
The manager goes to the dog and asks the same thing. The dog barks "I think I
can," but although the dog can keep its balance for a while, it can't stand on
its hind legs long enough to last through an entire movement. Finally, the
manager asks the horse if it can conduct. The horse just stares at the manager
for a second, then turns around and presents its rear quarters and starts
swishing its tail in perfect 4/4 time. The manager exclaims "That's perfect!
The concert can go on as scheduled." "But, sir," protests the assistant, "will
the orchestra accept a horse as a conductor?" Just then the horse drops a big
pile of plop on the street. The manager looks at the plop and then at the horse's
rear and says "Trust me, from this angle, the orchestra won't even know that
they have a new conductor."

M U S I C

What do you get when you play a new age song backwards?
A new age song

What happens if you sing country music backwards?
You get your job and your wife back.

A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a new theatrical

season. "Who am I to stone the first cast?"

Philistine Liberation Organization Seminars:
"The Sound of Music: Best Musical Ever Made?"
"Andy Williams and Neil Diamond, their Similarities and Differences"
"Perceptions of Existence in the Music of Manilow"
"Is Vivaldi the New Muzak? Is snobbery creeping into the PLO?"

How to buy a stereo:
1) Carefully calculate power requirements, based on room dimensions, etc.
and Multiply by a factor of 10
2) The ideal system should have as many lights as possible, preferably blinking

and flashing in time with the music.
3) The components should all have black metal finish & generally look very C00L

4) The system should be broken up into as many components as possible.
(e.g. pre-amp, pre-pre-amp, post-amp, etc.)
5) The most important part of a stereo system is the speakers, they should
look very cool. Size and number of sub-speakers is important.
(eg. woofers, tweeters, sub-woofers, super-sub-woofers, etc.)
6) The system should resemble the cockpit of an F16 or 757 aircraft.
7) The system should have full remote control capability, including over the
mobile auto cellular phone so that the stereo can be playing as you get home.
8) Should have the capability of playing different music in every room of the
house.
9) Components should have a cool names.
10) The complete set up should put a major recording studio or large radio
station to shame.
11) Having state of the art equipment is not enough. You should be a year or
two ahead of everyone else. Equipment over the warranty period is obsolete
and should be disposed of promptly.
12) The most important factor...Out of everyone you know who owns stereo
equipment, yours should be better.

How can you tell someone is a true music lover?
When they put their ear up to the keyhole.

Proposed Country-Western song titles:
"I Wouldn't Take You to a Dog Fight Even If I Thought You Could Win"
"My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Hea
rt"
"Tennis Must Be Your Racket, 'Cause Love Means Nothin' to You"
"I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies and I'm Blue All the Time"
"I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well"
"I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better"

Have you heard about the new radio station called WPMS?
They play three weeks of blues and one week of ragtime.

M U S I C I A N S
What do you get if Bach falls off a horse but has the courage to get on again
and continue riding?
Bach in the saddle again.

Why don't they know where Mozart is buried?
Because he's Haydn!

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs who can play 5 musical instruments?
Stump the band.

What do you get when you cross a Mafia lieutenant and a performance artist?
Someone who makes you an offer you can't understand!!!

Do you know how many musicians it takes to screw in a lightbulb?
No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
Or,
Twenty: One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and 17 on the guest list.

How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw it in, and one to complain that it's electrified.

How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven - one to change and the other six to sing about how good the old one was.

How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead
.

How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
"Hey man, I just do sound."
or
One, two, three, one, two, three.
or
One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with
a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount,
finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from
where it should have been,to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once
in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have
written that."

Altos are sandwiched between sopranos and tenors.

Altos have body.

Bach did it with the organ.

Band members do it all night.

Band members do it in a parade.

Band members do it in front of 100,000 people.

Band members do it in public.

Band members do it in sectionals

Band members do it on the football field.

Basses and altos do it lower.

Basses have rhythm.

Beethoven did it apassionately.

Beethoven was the first to do it with a full orchestra.

Choir boys do it unaccompanied.

Cymbal players do it with a crash.

DJs do it on request.

DJs do it on the air.

Drummers beat it.

Drummers do it in 4/4 time.

Drummers do it longer.

Drummers do it on their heads.

Drummers do it with both hands and feet.

Drummers do it with rhythm

Drummers pound it.

FM Disc Jockeys do it in stereo and with high fidelity.

Frank Sinatra does it his way.

Music hackers do it at 3 am.

Music hackers do it audibly.

Music hackers do it in concert.

Music hackers do it in scores.

Music hackers do it with more movements.

Music hackers do it with their organs.

Music hackers want to do it in realtime.

Musicians do it with rhythm.

Musicians duet together.

Piano players have faster fingers

Piano students learn on their teachers' instruments.

Singers do it with their diaphragms.

Sopranos and tenors do it higher.

Sopranos do it in unison.

Tenors have breath control.

Trombone players do it in 7 positions.

Trombones do it faster.

Trombonists use more positions.

Trumpet players blow the best.

Trumpet players do it with a fanfare.

Tuba players do it with big horns.

Tubas do it deeper.

Violinists do it gently.

Violists do it alone.

Violoncellists do it low.

Virtuosi appreciate it.

Vocalists are good in their mouths.

Woodwind players do it in the reeds.

jimmy@mail-me.Com